Coming back to Haiti has been a mix of emotions. For the first time in 3 years, I have an end date to my time in Haiti. An end to a chapter, a home, a life that will never be the same again. Yes, I can come back to Haiti and live here, but things are in a constant state of change, never stopping, and it will never be quite the same. I think it has finally hit me that I am moving back to the states. Maybe it is the fact that today is January 12th, 3 years after the earthquake that hit just outside of Port-Au-Prince, but coming back to Haiti this time has brought a flood of memories that are racing around my head.
In the last three years, I have seen trauma like I have never experienced before. I have had my hands inside the leg of a man, trying to clamp off one of his major arteries while watching him bleed to death. I have worked on a friend for over 45 minutes in the back of a pick up truck, tasting his burnt flesh as I tried to breathe life back into him. I stood over a man that was hit on a motorcycle, trying to quickly assess his broken, mangled body while 30 Haitians stood around me expecting me to have the right answers. I have held a child in my arms that was starving to death, and if he did not go to a hospital that day he would never see his next birthday.
The deep pain I have experienced in Haiti has been a heavy burden I have tried to bury. For so long I have tried to look at my challenging experiences as blessings, is that not what Christians are suppose to do? However, I think it is okay to allow them to be heavy burdens. To look at my life and say yes, it is hard and that is ok. I am blessed to be able to walk with these burdens and hand them over to Christ who is waiting and willing to carry the pain for me, for the families, for the friends, for the children and so on. But it does not mean that I do not feel equally burdened some days.
I am feeling that leaving Haiti in a way is “failing” the people I have grown to love. Admitting it to the world through this blog, is not easy. My pride gets in the way, and I want people to think the best of me and that I can handle anything and everything that comes my way. The truth is that being a missionary is hard. It is not all rewarding and pleasant, in fact a lot of the time I am practicing patience, grace, and love for Haitians, Americans, and the community of 6 I live in. I am constantly trying to deny myself, my needs, and I do not think this is the right way of thinking. Christ does not ask us to sacrifice who he created us to be, in order to serve Him. Christ asks us to follow Him, where He leads.
Overall, I guess I could say, I am struggling being back. I am struggling with leaving Haiti and the people I have grown to love. I am struggling with moving back to the states and living in a world that has become foreign to me. I am struggling with just being present where I am right now. I have been reading the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, and a few days ago I read about how we as humans want to rush God’s timing. We want to get to the next thing, the next calling, the next chapter whatever it may be, but we tend to miss the present. We miss what God wants us to learn from the current path we are on. We miss the quiet whisper that says this is why you are waiting.
The very last sentence of the devotion said, “Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My presence.” Whatever journey you are on I pray that you can slow down and enjoy it. I pray that I can slow down too and not worry so much about the future and where I will be in the next year. I pray I can be present in Haiti with each person I come in contact with over the next 6 months and offer myself grace through this transition. Thank you for your continual support and prayers as you journey with me.
Adventures in Haiti 